The Struggle

I still wonder how things ended up this way.  Struggle with it and second guess myself, even though I know the answer.

Things have changed.  We’re older, our lives moved on.  Sometimes I feel as if I dreamed the past, but then I find something from that time, and the memories come flooding back.

On this occasion it was a letter I wrote you but never sent as I couldn’t summon the nerve.  I’d locked those memories away, but they came flooding back as soon as I began to read…

When we met on the 18th, things were initially a little awkward.  I was stunned that you hugged and kissed me, but once that was done it was as if we didn’t know what to say to each other.  I was dreading that it was going to stay that way, but the ice thawed and soon you were talking to me and I to you.  It was as if we were old friends, and I certainly didn’t expect the second hug and kiss as we said goodbye.

You continually amaze and confuse me, often at the same time!

The past is firmly in the past, and I know that’s my fault.  I was the one who couldn’t bring myself to play by the new rules when the game changed.  If I had, everything would be good.

Perhaps.

You say that you’re happy, and I’m pleased that you have found such contentment even though I’m no longer part of it.  I do miss you; what we had, what we shared, but to stay would have made my self-loathing even greater than it already is.